Pretty Decode
by visionary dreams
Summary: [Warning: Anorexia] Ino's not perfect - she knows this, but how far will she go to reach that perfection? [Ino-centric] [Chapter-fic]
1. Chapter 1

**disclaimer:** nah. i don't own naruto, you silly goose. ;)  
**pairing(s):** slight shikaino/sasusaku  
**warning(s):** anorexia nervosa, bulimic, depression, thoughts of suicide

**notes:** new story. new plot. new idea. and one yamanaka ino. this is going to be one hell of a ride, huh? so, before i began this idea came from me awhile back and i've tried over and over again to make this chapter perfect, but honestly this is what came out of it. it's ridiculously short and for that i'm sorry, but however, it IS a prologue. moving on, the idea--anorexia nervous, a disorder affecting millions of people now; men_ and_ woman. it's not a issue that should be taken lightly and i by no means mean to offend anyone who has or is suffering from such.

honestly, this idea itself came from personal experiences and by the fact that we all know ino is obsess with 'dieting'. so i decide to take it to a next level. i'm not quite sure if anyone has tried this…soo….this will be new. haha. also, for the story itself i'm going to be switching from past to present quite a few times, so i'm sorry for any confusion. as for pairings, this is mostly an ino-centric story…however, there will be noticeable hints of shikaino here and there. and yes, it canon-auish? i guess you say. :D so, yeah, that's all there is to say now. read it, enjoy it hopefully, and** review**, please! thanks!

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**Pretty Decode**  
_author; visionary dreams_

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It's not something I planned to happen. It's not something I expected to happen, either. Sure, I suppose I can be pretty vain and girly at times. But…_this_…this nearly took over my life. And I'm _still _coping. Coping in this shit-house of a ward that they have me in.

I regret every minute.  
It's hard to talk about, y'know; it's hard to even_ think_ about. The pain, the hurt, the everything that went on. I look back and wonder what went wrong? I went wrong, I suppose, I think. Life went wrong, and things were out of control and everyone just seemed to_ forget_ me.

_This_ was my only friend.

_This _was the only thing there for me.

_This_ was the only thing I could control.

_This_ living nightmare was_ me_.

I stop writing for a minute, pushing the black notebook away with disgust. I don't want to talk about it much less write about it, but I'm forced to. To 'help' me cope and understand the root of the problem. Kami, I hate counseling.

And I hate this stupid notebook.

I throw it against the wall with a huff; it lands on the ground spine up with the pages sprawl open.

Shikamaru's supposed to see me today, that makes me feel…lost inside. And sad. Unhappy, worthless, pathetic.

I hate the way his brown eyes look over me as if I'm so sort of monster.

But heh, maybe I am.

"Ms. Yamanaka," a young nurse peeks in, "Lunch time, dear." and than she writes something on her clipboard.

I don't want to eat, I think pitifully.

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I remember back when it first started, to this exact date. It wasn't a full-blown out disorder then, it was just a harmless…addiction. A harmless barely there thing. I was ten, I believe, when Sakura left me on the bench with lost eyes and a sore throat from yelling too much.

It was the day Sakura had stopped being my friend. Left me in the dust to bleed and chase after Sasuke-kun. In reality, I hated Sasuke.

I was crinkling my nose, pulling at the sides of my stomach.

_F A T._

I wanted to scream and cry and shout and yell and just _break things_.

Everything was just going wrong, everyone was leaving, and I was becoming _fat_.

I couldn't even fit into my pants tonight, I couldn't even button them.

That first night, I didn't eat dinner. I told mommy and daddy I wasn't hungry and they believed me. I lay awake for hours trying not to focus on the pain in my stomach or hear the pathetic growls. I felt so ashamed and desperately wished Sakura was there to ease my pain.

The first night was always the hardest.

And a day and half later, I ate again.

Shikamaru forced me to and the fact that I was becoming grouchy and irritated and he just knew something was wrong.

I ate like the pig that I was. I don't think I've ever ate that much in my life.

And I was okay then, and I didn't stop to think it would happen again. Until it did.

That's when my whole world kind of crashed. It was unexpected and I couldn't stop it from happening even if I wanted to. It literally took control of _my life_.

And I didn't try to stop it.

This my story, love it, cherish it, curse it, hate it, _whatever_.

But if I'm ever going to cope and understand myself better I might as begin when it_ really_ started to take over my life and everything spiral out of control, shouldn't I?  
_  
Well it all began with…_


	2. Chapter 2

**disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto.

**notes:** I'm finally back! And writing endlessly. I love Ino, and I really want to get inside her head and emotions with this story. I also want to show that a disorder not only effects the person, but also the loves one around that person. With that said, don't get too confused, I switch from past to present to past quite often. Well, I hope you guys enjoy the chapter and please let me know your thoughts! **Review**! (:

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**Pretty Decode**

_author; visionary dreams_

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"_We're not friends anymore Ino," Sakura said, wind whistling around me, leafs twirling around the bottom of our ankles, intertwining colors of browns and greens and yellows. The sun is set, and the air is starting to get colder; running noses and red cheeks start to set in. _

_What? No, no, no, no, _NO_. _

_Not you, Sakura, not you. _Please_. _

_But I could feel my anger boiling, hostility creeping up my throat, words starting to form without any given thought, impulse setting in, "Oh yeah, Sakura? That's fine by me, it's not like Sasuke-kun will ever love you anyway! Because he loves me!"_

_Love? I didn't have a slightest clue what love meant._

_Hurt flashed across Sakura's face, my words cutting into her head. Her face twists up in anger, and she quickly tore my ribbon I gave her out of her pink hair, and threw it at me._

_That moment…_

_That very moment. That world stop spinning, time frozen, mind-boggling moment…_

_I knew our friendship was _gone_._

_My bestfriend, my.._bestfriend_..just gave up our friendship over a_ guy_. And I let her. I provoked her._

_"Whatever pig! We'll see who gets Sasuke-kun's heart! And it's not gonna be your fat self!"_

_"Shut up forehead! Just_ leave_!"_

_Sakura's face was unreadable as she cast me one last look, and turned up her heels on the dirt road and walked away._

_Everything I knew changed at that very moment._

_My face crumbled as I picked up the abandon ribbon, my body slumped onto the wooden bench. It was chilly, and my body didn't seem to notice. Numbness worn into my pores, and I couldn't find myself to care that I would miss dinner that night. I couldn't find it in myself to cry though._

_I was in shock._

_What was I gonna do now?_

_As much as I had save Sakura, she had saved me. She showed me love. She showed me how kindness and caring could go along away…she was..my bestfriend._

_And now she's gone._

_I..I couldn't find myself to lift my eyes off the ground, I couldn't find it in myself to pick up my feet and start walking. My legs felt like jello, my chest tight, and my heart ached._

_Is this what heartbreak felt like?_

_Not like a boyfriend-girlfriend type heartbreak, but a my-bestfriend-is-gone type heartbreak. That numbing, coldness that evolves in your heart as you try to wrap your head around all these sad events that you wished you could take back with every fiber in your being._

"Ino," the redhead hair nurse poked her head in, "Shikamaru's here to see you." She hurried away as the tall, dark figure came into the room.

My hair's in a messy blonde bon on the top of my head, gray sweats adored my legs, and my hospital bracelet was the only thing I was allowed to have on my arms.

What has happened to me?

What happened to_ Ino_?

"Ino."

His voice was still the same, always lazy drawl. His dark hair was still worn in the same spiky ponytail, he's taller now, more build. An ANBU combat strategist at only 21. I barely made it to a Jounin.

My eyes look up into his, and I feel like a little girl disappointing her parents.

I can feel the remorse in his eyes as he takes in my thin frame. All slumped into this bland chair next to the window. The furniture practically swallows me.

_(I_

_Could_

_Be_

_Skinnier)_

I try to rid the thoughts from my mind as Shikamaru's form comes across the room to settle onto the bed next to me.

It's quiet, and I couldn't bring myself to find a conversation starter. Words use to be so easy between me and Shikamaru, and now it seems like we struggle to say each other's name.

"How are you?" he finally asks, and I could feel his eyes on me again. He's trying to read me, analyze me. He's trying to figure me out. _Why Ino? Why are you hurting yourself?_ I could practically hear the questions running through his head, and I could feel the guilt radiating off his body. _Where'd I go wrong? Why didn't I notice sooner?_

I knew him so well.

"Okay," I say.

That was the biggest lie of them all.

I'm not okay, I'm far from being okay.

"No you're not."

So what? None of your business.

_(Yes it is)_

A voice echo's in the back of my head. A glimpse of the old Ino. She's quickly gone.

"Yes, I am Shikamaru. I'm getting help now."

But he knows better.

He knows _me_ better.

"We miss you." By "we" he means him and Chouji.

_(I miss you guys too)_

"I'm tired Shikamaru."

And there I go, pushing him away.

Again.

He knows it too.

He sighs, and pushes himself off the bed, shaking his head at me.

"Ino," he says, "_Please_." And he quietly makes his way out the door.

He means, 'please get better Ino, we all miss you. It's not the same without our bombshell. You hold us together.'

And not only am I hurting myself, I'm hurting him too.

The guilt pores into my conscious, and the darkness once again becomes cold.

Can I ever do _anything_ right?

_"Alright Ino," Shikamaru spat on the ground, wiping the sweat on his forehead, breathing deeply, "Stop with the complaining!" he threw his kunai at me which I easily dodged, anger all over my face, my hands on my ten year old hips. The sun is setting onto my shoulders, making them tan and toasty with warm sunshine. The air hung with fresh grass and dirt and sweat. _

_"Oh, shut up, pineapple head!"_

_Chouji watched the fight between the two of us giddily, munching on his chips in his hand. It was a warm, Saturday afternoon and the three of us were practicing our kunai throws while our father's went off and got drunk for the rest of the evening._

_Shikamaru rolled his eyes, I was clearly getting under his skin, even at ten years old._

_"What is_ up_ with you? It's because you missed breakfast, isn't it? Here," he quickly snatches Chouji's chips out of his hands, forcing them into mine, "Eat."_

_I shook my head and protest but eventually cave and ate the whole bag full. I felt better, and I didn't feel so annoyed anymore and my stomach wasn't aching anymore._

_My heart was though, and I could see Sakura training not too far from our spot._

_The bag was now empty in my hand, and as the day went on, and the sun set in the evening. I bid my goodbyes to Chouji and Shikamaru and promised to punish myself by not eating any dinner, and the rest of tomorrow._

_I had no idea what I was setting myself up for._


	3. Chapter 3

**dis****claimer: **no, i do not own naruto. _  
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**notes:** i should really update this more often...haha and i will! it just takes alotttt out me to write these chapters. like, i said this story is...bittersweet. it's a story about accepting yourself and recovery. i really hope you guys enjoy and **review**! i would love to know your thoughts - good or bad. anyway, please **review**!

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**Pretty Decode**

_author; visionary dreams_

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_Let me began with, an eleven year should not have to worry about whether or not she was fat, and I understood that. Or did I? Cuz I sure as hell thought I was. By then, I had a few moments where I wouldn't eat for a day or so, but eventually, I would cave, my pre-teen body needing the energy and my stomach was just so hungry. Those were the days I felt guilty and wished I was a commoner—not a kunoichi in training. _

_But alas, I spent most of life as 11-12 year old constantly watching what I ate, and constantly wishing I was just skinnier—prettier, maybe then Sasuke would notice me. Or, at least, that's the reason I gave myself. _

_I didn't want to be honest with myself and say the only reason I obsess over what I ate and how I look so much is it because it took my loneliness away. If I was focused on other things, I wouldn't have to focus on the fact that Sakura threw me away like I was nothing. Like I was dirt. _

_By the time I was thirteen, I had already graduated from the academy and had already been selected on the same team as Shikamaru and Chouji. I acted as pissed off and as mad as I could in front of Sakura, feigning jealously over the fact she was on Sasuke's team, and I wasn't. In reality, I was glad to be on the same team as my best guy friends. They have never abandoned me. _

_The argument ended with Sakura calling me fat, and her telling me I had no chance at "Sasuke's love" as she was on his team, and I was not. I called her a stupid forehead girl, and that all the air in head was causing her head to explode. We both partied our ways with red faces, and angry hearts. Her anger for not coming up with a better comeback, and my anger directed towards Sakura—who not only called me fat, but would honestly choose a guy over me, over _our_ friendship._

_My heart ached._

_But I continued on with the rest of my day with my team, and when it was time to go out to eat at the end I ate barbeque just like Shikmaru and Chouji and Asuma-sensei, but once I got home that night, I made sure my parents were asleep, and then I locked myself away in my bathroom upstairs._

_I looked at myself long and hard in the mirror that night. Twisting and turning, I poked and grabbed my hips and stomach, frowning, feeling enormously guilty for consuming the amount of food I did early. Fear creeping up through my body at the thought of weight gain, I glanced down towards the toilet and up towards my reflection in the mirror once more._

_My throat tightening, I kneeled down towards the toilet, closing my eyes tight, I stuck two fingers towards the back of my throat. I gagged, wiggling my fingers back and front, trying to cause a reaction, my eyes watered and stung and my mouth filled with the horrible taste of bile. Coughing and gagging, my stomach empty, I sat back against the wall. My nose ran, and my red eyes stung with unleashed tears. _

_That was the first time I had ever forcibly thrown up my food. _

_But hey, I remember thinkng, at least I'm not gonna get fat. _

I finished up writing angry. Angry at myself..angry because even at eleven I didn't allow myself to just be a kid. To just let go and not worry about my appearance. I had always been vain, even long before my teen years, and it makes to me sad to know not only did I waste those years protecting my village, but I also wasted them obsessing over my weight, my looks. While I should've been more worried about my skills as a ninja and my comrades, but instead I was worried whether or not I was gonna gain a pound or two.

I wanted to scream. I felt surrounded by this hospital room, I couldn't breathe. My eyes stung and my throat felt like there was huge knot in it, and I tried to swallow, and it just would not go down. I felt so light-headed and dizzy. I needed out of here, oh my god, I need out.

"Ms. Yamanaka!" I heard the nurse from earlier yell, "Breathe!" I remember her yelling, "You're having a panic attack!"

And then everything went black.

I woke up a few moments later, a doctor and two nurses inspected me, check every angle, took my blood pressure, weight me, checked my breathing, and made me eat…

They made eat.

Again.

Orange juice, toast, and peaches.

I've never wanted to cry so much in my life.

After that was over, they put me on more anxiety medication and the redheaded nurse was advised to take me outside for a breather. She took me out back of the facility—Konoha Treatment Center, it was located in the back of the village, where villagers and ninjas alike are sent to for any drug abuse, suicide attempts, post-traumatic stress, mental illnesses...—to a trail by a pond. It was late in the afternoon, and I was still in these dreadful hospital clothes.

I probably looked hideous.

And fat.

I sat in silent with the nurse on the bench as we over looked out into the pond where the ducks crowded all around.

I wanted to remember something happy. I'm tired of being so sad and hating myself _all the time_. How could I be good enough for anyone when I'm not even good enough for myself?

As I was surrounded by nature and the beautiful things of life, I tried to remember happier memories of my teen years—to assure myself that it wasn't all a waste—that I wasn't always so sad; I tried so hard to make myself remember the happier times.

_I had just passed my chunin exam and I was out celebrating with Asuma-sensei, Shikamaru, and Chouji. Smiling big, I was so tired and my body ached, but I did it. I really did it and I proved myself against a really tough opponent from Suna. _

_As Asuma-sensei and Chouji exchanged stories of my battle with bright eyes and extreme facial expressions, I giggled, and Shikamaru smirked, and for once I didn't care I was out eating with my team. For once I didn't care what I looked like, or how much I ate, or how much weight I was gonna gain. I was so happy and overcome with pride, I didn't let my guarded insecurities bother me. _

_I was so content with my team and for my once in so long, I went to bed that night without hearing the cruel thoughts inside my head about myself. _

_I went to bed peaceful. _


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